Cries of Unshared Grief
by Tara-Lynn Tam
Summary: Someone finally notices Merlin's grief/sadness/guilt when Merlin starts having nightmares. Rated T purely because I am paranoid and don't know where this is going. No slash.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Cries of Unshared Grief

**Summary:** Someone finally notices Merlin's grief/sadness/guilt when Merlin starts having nightmares.

**Ships:** Merlin/Freya, Arthur/Gwen (though I don't think Arthur and Gwen are in this that much)

**A/N:** First actually going to maybe be posted Merlin fanfic. Hooray! Oh, Merlin, you're so angsty and sad. I don't know exactly where the inspiration for this came from. Probably just the general 'Merlin's life sucks' thing. I know that other people have done the Merlin nightmares fanfictions before, but I hope mine is sufficiently original to not spark any author wrath. Here goes! Oh yeah, I forgot! Spoilers for some of season four! And you can probably figure out when it takes place if it means that much to you.

Chapter 1

They were on a hunt. Of course they were on a hunt. They were always going hunting and Merlin hated it. He could understand killing for food, but killing defenseless animals for fun was not something he would ever understand or enjoy. They couldn't go any further today, so they stopped and made camp. Or rather, Merlin made camp while Arthur, Leon, Gwaine, Elyan, and Percival did…whatever it was they did while Merlin made camp. Merlin really wasn't sure what was so important that they couldn't lend a hand. He made the fire, brushed down the horses and cooked the stew. They ate together, laughing and talking about the next day's plans. Then it was time for bed. Gwaine took the first watch while everyone else settled down into their blankets and slept.

During the day there had been several odd instances, and these were what occupied Gwaine's thoughts as he stared into the dying fire. The first odd thing had been when they were attacked by bandits. This in itself wasn't odd. Camelot and the surrounding areas seemed to have more than their fair share of bandits around. The odd part was when a branch conveniently fell on two bandits that were about to attack Arthur from behind. Very convenient. Then, they had come to a lake. It was a very beautiful lake, wide and blue, surrounded by trees on all sides, typical but beautiful. Gwaine had turned to Merlin to share the delight in the beauty of the lake, but Merlin had not looked happy. At all. In fact, if Gwaine remembered correctly, Merlin had looked rather as if he were about to cry. Then the moment passed and Merlin smiled at Gwaine. They moved on. But over the course of the long day, Gwaine had caught Merlin looking miserable quite a few times, always to be suddenly greeted by a swift smile that didn't quite reach Merlin's eyes. So, Gwaine was fairly certain that there was something wrong with Merlin and that Merlin did not want to talk about it. He also thought it probably had something to do with the lake, but that sounded very odd.

Merlin was asleep and dreaming. Though, really there should be a word other than dreaming for having nightmares. His dream started out well. He was kissing Freya on the shores of the Lake of Avalon. They were happy and in love. Then Gaius came in and raised his eyebrow disapprovingly at the pair of them. "Merlin, this is not your destiny," he spoke with Kilgarrah's voice. Then Arthur's sword point appeared through Freya's chest, and she fell to the ground and melted into water. "I am your destiny, _Mer_lin," Arthur said, scowling. "You should be looking after me, not her." As Merlin fell to his knees and cried, his tears dissolving into the puddle that had been Freya, Arthur stood over him, pouring out a list of chores and tasks for Merlin to do. The dream changed.

Now Will was smiling and laughing at him as they ran through the tunnels near Ealdor, and out into the sunlight on the other side. As Merlin emerged, he saw Arthur fighting off three bandits at once. He rushed to help Arthur, but more bandits reached Will as Merlin started toward Arthur. Merlin used his magic and the bandits surrounding Arthur vanished, but the ones around Will remained no matter how hard Merlin tried to banish them. Arthur stood there and watched as Will was run through with a sword and the bandits vanished. Merlin rushed to Will's side and as he died, Will spoke. "Arthur over your own friends and family. You made your choice, Merlin." Merlin cried while Arthur looked on, lecturing Merlin about the evils of magic. Then Arthur changed into Uther, who was raising his hand while Merlin's head was on the chopping block. His hand came down as Gwen stared at Merlin in shock, betrayal on her face. As the axe came down, the dream changed again.

Lancelot looked at him sadly. "Your destiny is more important, Merlin." He walked through the tear with open arms. Arthur walked towards Merlin, his face full of anger and betrayal, with Gwen and Percival behind him, also looking hurt and angry. "Why did you let him do that Merlin?" Arthur asked, "Are you really that useless? You couldn't save anyone if you tried." "I thought you were my friend, Merlin," Gwen joined in, "but you failed me."

Balinor was carving a life sized dragon out of wood. Hunith stood next to him, watching him carve with a loving smile on her face. Then Uther came riding up behind them. He set fire to the dragon, which went up in flames immediately. As Merlin ran forward to stop him, Uther stabbed Balinor in the back and Balinor fell while Hunith cried, Uther smirked and Kilgarrah looked on laughing. "You really thought you could have a father, Merlin?" he laughed. And Uther laughed with him and even Hunith laughed as she changed into Nimueh. "The bargain is struck. I hope it pleases you," she said. Then Nimueh became Morgana, the new Morgana, but looking scared and helpless. "Merlin, please, beware. This is just the beginning," she sobbed. Merlin stepped forward to comfort her, but instead found himself choking her, killing her. He tried to stop himself, but his hands weren't his anymore. He suddenly found himself where Morgana had been, with himself still choking him.

"_Merlin!"_

Merlin's (the Merlin who was choking him) eyes flashed gold. "See what you've done? What you are?"

"_Merlin! Wake up!"_

Suddenly he was standing in the courtyard, tied to a stake. In front of him were Will, Freya, Balinior and Lancelot. They were all tied to their own stakes, with pyres beneath them, awaiting the flames. Arthur stood on the balcony overhead. "These people are accused of using sorcery and concealing sorcerers. The punishment for either of these crimes is death."

"_Merlin!"_

Arthur lowered his hand as the pyres underneath Merlin's loved ones were lit. Their screams shattered the silence in the courtyard. Merlin screamed with them.

"_Merlin wake up! It's alright!"_

All at once, there was nothing but ashes left.

"NO!"

**A/N: **If I get one review I will continue. I will probably continue anyway, but I shouldn't be telling you that because if I don't tell you, you are more likely to review. Ah well, secret's out now. I hope this chapter wasn't too short though it probably was and yes, this will quite possibly be a reveal. Eventually. Peace, love, and all that awesomeness. I leave you for now with a not-exactly-inspirational-but-possibly-amusing quote: "I think I should take some of this (aconite) with me from now on. You never know when you might need to kill someone!" -Merlin


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: **Cries of Unshared Grief

**Summary: **Someone finally notices Merlin's grief/sadness/guilt when Merlin starts having nightmares.

**A/N: **I'm baaaack! And I have more angst for you! Thank you to everyone who reviewed or favorited or alerted! I was so happy with the response from this story!

Chapter 2

Sir Gwaine was not an idiot. He didn't often apply himself to thinking, but since he had met Merlin, he had actually had someone to call his friend, and therefore someone who he would think about when said person was being mysterious. And Merlin was certainly being that. Anyone who knew Merlin at all could tell you that Merlin was cheerful, friendly, kind, and outspoken. If they knew Merlin any better they would tell you that yes, Merlin was all of these things, but he was also loyal to the point of ridiculousness, selfless to the extreme, and brave to the point of occasionally suicidal. Gwaine knew all of these things about Merlin, but they couldn't explain why Merlin had been acting so…gloomy. The only things Gwaine could connect to Merlin's gloominess were the lake and Lancelot. Lancelot and Merlin had been very close to each other, but Gwaine knew that Merlin hadn't been this gloomy for a while. There was no immediate explanation. Gwaine sighed and poked the dying fire with a stick. Then he heard it. A sort of whimper behind him. He whipped around, but saw only Merlin, sleeping with his back to the fire. At first Gwaine thought he must have imagined the noise, but it came again and Gwaine realized suddenly that Merlin was the source.

He was twitching and muttering to himself; tears were falling onto his cheeks. Gwaine didn't know what to do. Obviously Merlin was having a nightmare Should he wake him up? Looking at his friend, Gwaine noted the dark circles under his eyes. Perhaps Merlin would come out of his nightmare naturally. Gwaine crouched beside Merlin uncertainly. Merlin continued to cry and mutter. Now Gwaine could make out some of the words.. "No…don't…not…no…I didn't." Gwaine couldn't watch this any more. No one, especially Merlin, should have this kind of suffering forced on them while sleeping.

"Merlin," he whispered cautiously.

"I'm sorry…no don't" Merlin muttered, his face contorting in grief.

"Merlin, come on, wake up," Gwaine whispered. Merlin continued to sob.

"Father…no, don't hurt them!" Merlin's voice rose hysterically. Gwaine heard some other knights stir. "I don't," Merlin moaned.

"Whuzgoion?" came Elyan's voice from his right.

"It's Merlin," Gwaine said, "He's having a nightmare I think."

"Wake him up," Percival said, a bit more eloquently than Elyan had spoken.

"I'm trying. Merlin!"

"Stop it! No! I'm not! I'm sorry!" Merlin was almost yelling now and all the knights were awake. Percival had joined Gwaine at Merlin's side.

"Merlin! Wake up!" Percival said, giving Merlin a little shake.

"Stop it Arthur! Don't! They're not!" Merlin sobbed. Arthur raised his eyebrows, frowning in confusion.

"Merlin wake up! It's alright!" Gwaine practically shouted, shaking Merlin's shoulder. Merlin shot up with an inarticulate yell. Gwaine held his shoulders to steady him, and to his surprise Merlin lashed out at him, struggling viciously to break free. "Merlin, calm down! It's me! It's Gwaine!" Merlin stopped struggling, staring at Gwaine as though seeing him for the first time. He was gasping and sweating. He looked around slowly at the knights surrounding him, all looking concerned. He was still crying, and seemed to notice this suddenly. He rubbed his hands hastily across his cheeks and blinked furiously. He still looked like he was half asleep. Gwaine looked at the other knights. All of them looked awkward and unsure. Eventually Elyan spoke. "Merlin, are you alright?" he asked nervously.

"I'm fine, just-just had a nightmare. You should go back to bed." Merlin gave a small smile. "Wouldn't want you to be hunting tomorrow without sleep."

The knights exchanged looks that seemed to decide that Gwaine would look after Merlin now that he was awake, as Arthur, Percival, Leon, and Elyan returned to their blankets. Gwaine stayed sitting next to Merlin, who was hugging his knees and looking as though he were still trying not to cry. "Do you want to talk about your nightmare?" he asked awkwardly. Merlin shook his head. "Sometimes," Gwaine prompted, "It helps to talk about things that are bothering you."

"Don't I know it," Merlin mumbled.

"Did you dream about your father?" Gwaine asked. Merlin's head shot up and he looked at Gwaine warily. "You were muttering in your sleep," Gwaine explained. Merlin nodded.

"What else did I say?" Merlin asked. Gwaine thought he sounded nervous, more so than would be expected.

"Well," Gwaine suddenly felt very uncomfortable. "You said 'no' a lot. You said you were sorry. You mentioned your father. You said 'don't hurt them' and 'stop it.' And you told Arthur to stop it 'they're not.'" Gwaine finished apologetically. Merlin nodded again and shivered slightly. "Come on, Merlin. You can tell me. I won't tell Princess, or anyone else. What was your nightmare about?"

"Why do you want to know?" Merlin asked somewhat harshly.

"Because you're my friend. And you may not be my only friend anymore, but you're my first friend and my best friend. Friends look after each other and you've been miserable all day, or at least since we saw that lake," Gwaine replied, watching Merlin carefully. Merlin winced slightly as the lake was mentioned, but he didn't speak. He seemed to be thinking carefully. Just as Gwaine was about to say something-anything to break the awkward silence, Merlin opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again and spoke.

"Did Arthur or Gwen ever tell you about my first and best friend?" Gwaine shook his head, surprised by the question. "I'm not surprised They only knew him for a few days and they didn't interact that much. His name was Will. He knew ab - he knew everything about me and we got in so much trouble together. Then there was a man, Kanen, who was attacking Ealdor, demanding crops. Arthur, Gwen, and – and I went to help. Arthur killed Kanen, but as Kanen died he shot at Arthur. Will saved Arthur's life, but he got hit." Merlin rubbed hastily at his eyes, not wanting to start crying again. Gwaine was shocked at this revelation. He knew Lancelot's death had been devastating to Merlin, and Merlin had told him when they first met that he had only known his father for a few days before his father died. Add this and Gwaine was surprised how cheerful Merlin always looked. He didn't know what to say, so he waited for Merlin to speak.

"I saw Will in two of my dreams. I watched him die again." Merlin's voice shook. "And I dreamed about all of them, Will and Fr – all of them. And it was my fault, Gwaine! It was always my fault, because I couldn't save them or I didn't and I can't tell anyone because they'll get hurt or I'll hurt them and I can't do this by myself anymore!" By the end of this speech, Merlin had broken down completely, sobbing into Gwaine's shoulder while Gwaine (thoroughly alarmed) patted him awkwardly on the back. Besides feeling very uncomfortable with having a sobbing Merlin on his shoulder, Gwaine felt horrified by the weight of Merlin's guilt, however unnecessary. After a while Merlin hiccupped himself into silence and sat back up. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"No problem," Gwaine said. "That's what friends are for." Merlin smiled a little, but the smile still faded too quickly for Gwaine's liking. So, Gwaine tried again to make Merlin open up. "So, what was Arthur doing in your dreams?" Merlin's face darkened.

"It could be considered treason for me to say," Merlin said in the tone Gwaine had come to associate with Merlin hiding emotions.

"I won't tell the princess you said it then."

"He killed them. And he was angry at me for letting Lancelot die. And he killed them. They were just four little piles of ash. He killed them just because they knew, and –" Merlin cut himself off and closed his mouth sharply. Gwaine, as previously mentioned, was not an idiot.

"Know what?"

"Um, nothing. Just… stuff, but you should go to bed. I'll take over watch –"

"Merlin, what did 'they' know about you?" Gwaine asked. He was tired, concerned, confused, and exasperated. Most of this had to do with Merlin, and now Merlin was refusing to tell him something important.

"I – I can't. I can't tell anyone," Merlin whispered.

"Why not? Don't you trust me?"

"It's not about that. It's – almost everyone who has known has died, and I don't want to put anyone else in danger."

"Merlin, as I said before, I am your friend. I don't care if it puts me in danger. Just tell me," Gwaine said seriously. Merlin paused, listening for any sign that anyone else might be awake. He didn't hear one. He gulped.

"I'm a warlock."


	3. Chapter 3

**Title**: Cries of Unshared Grief

**Summary:** By the time you're reading this chapter you probably have a good idea of this.

**A/N:** I'm back again! Sorry it's been a while, but my system of writing is not very efficient as it consists of writing by hand in a notebook whenever I'm not really paying attention to class and then showing it to my sister and then typing it up. I have also been pretty low on inspiration. I finished this by using sad Youtube videos. Also, this chapter contains my explanation of why Merlin's magic is special, which lots of people have theories about from what I've gathered. Feel free to disagree, but based on the show this is what I think it is. Sort of. It's vague.

Chapter 3

Gwaine stared at Merlin. Merlin looked at Gwaine, trying to gauge his reaction. He supposed it was a good sign that Gwaine's sword was not at his chest. Gwaine kept staring at Merlin. Merlin scratched the back of his neck. Gwaine stared at Merlin some more and Merlin shifted uncomfortably. When Gwaine continued to stare Merlin cleared his throat. "Gwaine?" he said tentatively.

"You're a warlock."

"Yep." It felt odd not to be denying it after so many years of hiding.

"You practice magic."

"Yes."

"In Camelot."

"Where else?"

Gwaine started to laugh. Merlin stared at him. Laughter was the very last thing he had expected. "What?" he asked, a little annoyed.

"Only you, Merlin, would practice magic in a kingdom where magic is punishable by death, would serve the king, and would still be alive," he laughed. "How long have you been practicing?"

Merlin blinked, again surprised by Gwaine's reaction. "I've had magic since I was born. I came to Camelot to learn to control it better." Gwaine looked mildly surprised by this.

"I didn't know that was possible," he admitted.

"As far as I know, I'm the only person to ever have magic at birth, but there are plenty of magic users who have magic naturally. Their magic just usually develop**s **later," Merlin explained, "Having magic naturally is what makes me a warlock, not a sorcerer. There are subtle differences in magic."

"Huh," Gwaine nodded. "You know, thinking about it now, you having magic makes sense. There's no way we could have survived all of those magical attacks without some magic on our side." Before Merlin had time to feel relief at Gwaine's apparent acceptance that Merlin was on their side, Gwaine rambled on. "Who else knows about your magic?" As Merlin's face fell a little, Gwaine remembered suddenly how this most enlightening conversation had started.

"My mother knows of course, and Gaius knows too. Other than that, it's just us," Merlin said.

"That sounds lonely," Gwaine said after a moment.

"It is." There was another pause.

"Who-" Gwaine hesitated. "Who else knew?"

Merlin sighed. "Will knew, and my father knew, and Lancelot, and-" but Merlin cut himself off abruptly.

It was Gwaine's turn to sigh. "You said they were _four_ little piles of ash," he said. "Merlin, who was the fourth person?"

There was a short pause, and then Merlin spoke. "Do you want to know why lakes make me sad?" Gwaine hesitated for a moment before nodding. He hated making Merlin tell him, but he needed to know and Merlin probably needed someone to talk to, even if he didn't realise it.

"A few years ago I met a girl," Merlin began. "She was a druid and she had been captured by a bounty hunter. I rescued her from her cage, hid her in the tunnels under Camelot. I brought her food and candles. We fell in love, but she was cursed. She had been attacked by a man. She killed him by accident, and his mother cursed her to kill forever. At midnight she would transform into a **B**astet, a giant cat with wings. She couldn't help herself.

"We were going to leave, get out of Camelot. Her home had been next to a lake." Merlin looked at Gwaine "with mountains and wildflowers. I told her about Ealdor, a few fields, a couple of cows." Merlin's smile was unbearably bittersweet. "So we were going to go somewhere far away that was like both of our homes. Just the two of us, forget destiny and responsibility. But the night before we were going to leave, she transformed and Arthur and the knights found her. She was trying to run away. She thought my life in Camelot was too good to throw away for her." Merlin shook his head ruefully.

"Arthur wounded her as a Bastet and when she became human the wound was fatal. She thought I would hate her when I found out she was cursed, but I didn't. I tried to save her, and I failed. I've never been very good at healing." Merlin swallowed, realising how true that was. "So I brought her to a lake, one with mountains and flowers. It was the Lake of Avalon. I put her in a boat and I set it on fire. She was the only woman I ever loved and one of my best friends killed her, and I can't even be that angry at him." Merlin's eyes were red and his cheeks were wet by the end of his story.

Gwaine didn't really know what to say, so instead he reached over and hugged Merlin tightly. Several minutes later Merlin wriggled out of Gwaine's arms. His eyes were very red. "I saw her again," he said suddenly. Gwaine looked at him, confusion in surprise written on his face. "When Morgana had Camelot and we were hiding in that cave, she came. Long story about how, but she came and I got to talk to her. She promised me before – well, she promised to repay me for making her feel loved and she did. She gave me a sword that could kill the immortal army. A sword forged in the dragon's breath." Gwaine added this to his rapidly growing list of questions to ask Merlin. "It's just…I miss her. And I'm so happy for Arthur and Gwen, but looking at them just reminds me of her, of what we could have been. I was going to throw away everything just to be with her, someone who could understand me, no more lying and sneaking around, no more destiny to look after, just two people in love." Suddenly Merlin's face and voice hardened. "But no, my stupid prat of a destiny just had to get in the way. Gwaine," he said suddenly, turning to look at him, "Don't ever have a big important destiny. I do not recommend it. Ever. It just gets in the way of everything you want."

Gwaine had always been one to speak without thinking, and even though he felt that something comforting and kind would be the best thing for Merlin right now, he said, "What's this destiny of yours?"

"Arthur," was Merlin's immediate response. Looking at his friend's face, Gwaine saw a mixture of resignation, ironic humor, and pride. "Arthur is going to be the greatest king Camelot has ever known. He will bring back magic and unite the land of Albion. It is my destiny to be at his side, protecting him."

"The princess is going to do all that?" Gwaine asked, shocked. Of course, on reflection it wasn't really shocking. Gwaine knew Arthur was a good man, but this was quite a bit of greatness Merlin was expecting here.

Merlin's response was confident, proud, definite. "Yes," he said. Then his face fell a little. "Well, maybe. The bit about bringing back magic doesn't seem all that likely now, after…." He trailed off looking distinctly uncomfortable.

"After that sorcerer killed Uther," Gwaine said.

"Yeah, um… Gwaine?" Merlin said nervously.

"Merlin," Gwaine said warily, "did you know what that sorcerer would do?"

"Well, er, there was a pendant Morgana had planted on Uther. It was used to reverse any healing magic used on him. The sorcerer really tried to heal Uther. He didn't want him to die."

"Merlin," Gwaine started, dreading the answer, "How do you know so much?"

Merlin grimaced. How best to put this… "Gwaine, can you imagine what I'd look like in about sixty years? Well the answer is yes, you can. Cause, erm, I'm Dragoon the Great. I took an aging potion to disguise myself."

Gwaine looked at Merlin in shock. "_You're Dragoon._" He paused, remembering his last encounter with the old Merlin. "Merlin! That-", but Merlin cut him off.

"I know. I'm sorry! I had to get to Morgana to stop myself from killing Arthur, long story." Gwaine looked bewildered, but nodded at Merlin's explanation. After a moment to absorb this new information, Gwaine spoke again.

"So, Dragoon," Gwaine began, but Merlin cut him off again.

"I hate some of the things I've done as Dragoon. Killing Arthur's father, almost killing Morgana. Again," he added. His voice sounded so miserable as he spoke.

"Merlin-"

"I know how Arthur felt when his father died, Gwaine, and I know it was my fault. My father died in my arms the day after I met him when he saved my life. If it weren't for me, I would never have met him and he would never have died!" Merlin said, clearly struggling not to break down again. Gwaine opened his mouth with the intention of saying something comforting, but closed it again, unable to find any words. He wanted to ask about Merlin's father and how Merlin could possibly be responsible, but he couldn't bring himself to make Merlin look any more miserable than he already did. Then Merlin told Gwaine, without Gwaine having to ask. He told Gwaine all about the Great Dragon, Kilgharrah, and about dragon lords and the bitterness of Uther and Balinor. By the end of Merlin's story, Gwaine could think of nothing to do but to enfold Merlin in his arms again.

"I'm sorry," Gwaine said softly. "I wish someone could have been there for you." They stayed like that for a while, two friends, one comforting the other. "Merlin, you don't blame yourself, do you?" Gwaine asked after a moment. Looking up, Merlin saw how worried Gwaine looked. He tried to deny blaming himself, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

"It's my fault," he said desperately, "If I had been quicker, more skilled, found another way, I could have saved them, all of them, even Morgana. But I didn't, and they suffered for it."

"No." Gwaine's voice was so firm that Merlin started. "Merlin, you are not to blame for any of their deaths. Or choices. You did your best and no one can expect more from you than you've already done." When Merlin still looked doubtful Gwaine continued. "I have a feeling that we," he gestured at the knights, "would be dead without you. Am I right?"

"Well, Arthur would be dead a few hundred times. You would probably still be wandering around taverns. If you had never met me, your life wouldn't have needed saving most likely. I don't know where Percival would be. Leon would probably be dead. I have no idea about Elyan. Possibly dead."

"What about Gwen?" Gwaine asked.

Merlin thought for a moment. "She would probably be dead," he admitted.

"And Gaius?"

"I've saved his life too, but-"

"No buts Merlin! You aren't to blame for any of this. It's not your fault."

"You really believe that?" Merlin asked, his face showing emotions ranging from doubt to hope to relief. "You don't, you know, hate me for having magic and lying to you all this time?"

"There's nothing to hate," Gwaine said confidently. He grinned as Merlin also grinned fully for the first time since he'd woken up from his nightmares.

"And you won't tell Arthur?"

"Not unless you want me to," Gwaine replied. Merlin smiled again.

"Thank you Gwaine. I want to tell Arthur, but I just…he hates magic now and I just don't know how to do it."

"Well, at least you've got me now. Speaking of which, you are going to tell me about every time you have used magic for something amazing and brave and about the smaller instances in between."

"Every time?"

"Yes."

"That would take a long time. I've saved Arthur's life more times than I can count and that's only part of everything."

"Well, we'll start some other time. You look dead on your feet as it is. You should get a good night's sleep. One last thing first though," he said as Merlin started to get up. Merlin raised his eyebrows. "Can you turn Arthur into a frog just before training?" At this Merlin grinned more widely than he had all day. They laughed quietly.

"You two are both idiots," came a voice from behind them. Their laughter stopped abruptly.

**A/N: **Ooooh another cliffy! Finally finished the chapter at midnight! Hooray! Sorry if it was a bit too dialoguey. Thank you everyone who stayed with me despite this taking so long and as always PLEASE REVIEW!


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Cries of Unshared Grief

Summary: You're on Chapter 4. If you don't know what you're reading…I am very disappointed in you.

A/N: I have no excuse for how long this has taken. I'll put an author's note with my reasons at the end so you don't have to wait even longer.

Chapter 4

"_You two are both idiots," came a voice from behind them. Their laughter stopped abruptly._

Arthur would never admit to being worried about Merlin of all people, but he was. He positioned his sleeping roll a bit closer to the fire than it had been before he had woken. The fact that it was within earshot of Merlin and Gwaine was purely coincidental. He was just cold. Nevertheless, he listened intently to everything Gwaine and Merlin said.

Arthur couldn't believe he had been such a prat. He had completely forgotten about Will! After Ealdor he had barely spared him a moment's thought. It was so like Merlin not to remind Arthur. Honestly, the idiot had chosen to just suffer in silence instead of showing that his best friend had just died? Then again, Arthur hadn't been exactly comforting. He listened with growing horror as Merlin's story unfolded bit by bit. He had magic. Merlin had magic. Magic! The evil that had killed his parents and corrupted his sister was being used by his best frien-servant. The only reason Arthur hadn't jumped up and arrested Merlin already was, much as he hated to admit, that if anyone deserved the chance to try to explain themselves it was Merlin. So Arthur kept listening.

Arthur had never been more confused in his life. Merlin had magic, but he had had magic since he was born. It wasn't a choice, but he had lied the whole time. Merlin had killed Arthur's father, but it had been an accident. Arthur had killed Merlin's love and Merlin forgave him. Balinor had been Merlin's father. That explained a lot. Arthur hadn't killed the Great Dragon. Ego wound. But as he listened, Arthur felt his anger and hurt fading into sympathy and even guilt that Merlin had gone through everything he had, and gone through it mostly alone. He listened as Gwaine comforted Merlin and then told him to go get some rest. He was impressed, though not surprised by Gwaine's willingness to accept Merlin. He had certainly accepted it more quickly than Arthur had. He listened to Gwaine joking about turning him into a frog before training.

"You two are both idiots," he said before he could stop himself. They stopped laughing immediately. What little color Merlin had regained since his nightmare drained from his face and Gwaine stepped forward in a stance that was both challenging and protective. Arthur stood, facing them.

"Arthur-I-um…I can explain!" Merlin blurted out.

"You've already explained everything Merlin," Arthur said seriously. Gwaine's hand was resting on the hilt of his sword.

"Well then, Princess, since everyone's fully explained, perhaps you should just get be going back to bed," he said, as if daring Arthur to even think of hurting Merlin. Arthur rolled his eyes.

"Stand down, Gwaine. I'm not going to hurt Merlin," he said exasperatedly. Merlin stared at him in shock.

"You're not going to hurt me?" he asked incredulously, "Why not? I deserve it, don't I? I used magic. I _am_ magic. I've lied to you ever since I've known you, and even though I've only ever protected you, aren't you angry?"

"Do you want me to be angry, Merlin?"

"No, but I expected you to be."

"Well, you're an idiot." There was a pause as Merlin's face seemed to return to its usual color and he even began smiling.

Then Elyan ruined the moment completely by hissing, "Yes, this is very touching and everything, but can you all be quiet?" Merlin's jaw dropped.

"Is everyone still awake?" he asked quietly.

"Yes, ofcourse."

"Yep."

"Pretty much."

Merlin's face went from its usual pale color to an even paler hue, then as he realised that nobody was attacking him, his cheeks started turning pink. "Sorry. You shouldn't have had to listen to that. I mean I'm glad you know about the magic and don't hate me for it, hell I'm likely going to be happier than I've been in my life once it sinks in, but I wish you hadn't heard everything."

"Merlin," Arthur said seriously, "I can't say I'm happy with a lot of what I heard, but the only reason for that is that you were in pain, and you had to bear it alone. Parts of the time when I was listening, I was angry. But knowing how much you've gone through just to protect me, to protect Camelot; that made me realise that I can never hurt you. Things are going to change, Merlin. I'm going to start changing things as soon as we return to Camelot, before that even. Right now, show me some magic." His mouth was rather dry and his heart pumped faster, but he knew this had to be done. He had to make that step towards accepting Merlin's magic.

"Show you magic?" Merlin repeated. Arthur nodded.

"Alright."

Merlin whispered something; his eyes flashed gold, and in front of him a ball of blue and white light appeared. Arthur gasped softly. He recognized it. He caught Merlin's eye and knew that Merlin had known he would recognize it.

"How?" he asked.

"I don't know. I was unconscious, but Gaius told me I was conjuring this and shouting your name. I guessed after that, and then Morgana told Gwen what you told her, and Gwen told me."

"Thank you, Merlin." Both men knew how much it was meant.

"You're welcome."

"Beautiful, now let's go to sleep," Gwaine said, "Princess can take over watch. Merlin, no offense but you look terrible. Sleep." And with that, Gwaine lay down and fell asleep. The knights around the camp grumbled in agreement. Merlin, after one last look at Arthur, followed suit.

The End

**A/N:** Finally! This took way too long and it was entirely my fault! Sorry if it's a bit short, but I really wanted to get this finished and I think everything that needed to be said was said. This story took a very different turn from what I was originally intending, but I think it turned out okay. Thank you so much for reading this story, whether you read it, favorited it, put it on your alert list, and especially if you reviewed it. I would list everyone as a thank you, but there are too many of you amazing, kind, wonderful people.

Why this took so long: I am lazy, I am busy, I had writer's block, I have twenty-three stories in my head at one time and have been writing those. That's all I've got for you.


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